Vulnerability in Memoir Writing

In the 1984-1996 television series, Murder She Wrote, the character of Jessica Fletcher is a famous mystery author and former English teacher. When advising on writing, she makes the comment that a person’s first foray into writing is, usually, autobiographical in nature. 

If you take Jessica’s advice, writing about yourself sounds easy. Then again, maybe not. 

A memoir says more than, objectively, how you remember the events in your life. Whether you’ve chosen to write about a set of occurrences under a specific theme or focus on a set time period in your life, you will be acknowledging the layers of your experiences and perspectives. 

You will be laying out the good, the bad, and the depths on the parts of you that you are choosing to be vulnerable about.

In an interview with journalist Putsata Reang on her memoir, Ma and Me, Reang describes a conversation she had with her editor on taking off her “journalist’s hat” to don a “writer’s hat”.

“In journalism, you’re dealing with numbers and facts. In memoir writing, you’re dealing with the heart and emotions and memories. There’s such rigor in the training we get as journalists—you don’t put yourself in the story, ever. I was writing a book where I had to put myself on every page. It really flipped my world upside down.”

Memoirs don’t allow emotional distance. The writing process for a memoir relies on that distance closing, and that can take a lot out of a writer.

Since Reang decided to dive into her vulnerability and the truths of her memories, using the experience of writing to process difficult experiences, her project became personally rewarding. 

The question often is, if it’s so painful and takes so much, why do people write memoirs in the first place?

Some of the most common reasons I receive from clients are:

1. They want to de-stigmatize something, usually regarding mental/physical health or a part of their identity.
   

2. They want to connect or resonate with people who have undergone similar experiences.
   

3. They want to share insight on experiences they had that they’d not heard expressed elsewhere.
   

Memoir writers conduct experiments with clear end goals in mind, but they are their own test subjects. That means dissecting, poking and prodding at their own layers, revealing what’s usually kept away from the version of them the world gets.  

Memoir writing isn’t everyone’s path, but in order to discover whether it is yours, understanding why you want to write it should be your first step. There is no wrong reason, but there should be a reason.

Expect to be in conversation with parts of yourself and your memories that are difficult, but necessary. You are in control of what you reveal and how you reveal it, but you will need to “put yourself on every page.” Otherwise, your memoir will not fulfill your reason for writing it. 

Remember to take frequent breaks from this project. Writing about yourself can be a more difficult undertaking than you realize. Even highly experienced writers struggle with memoir. 

A memoir writer’s journey ends with giving, and if you have not found your reason for writing it yet, start with this one. The memoirist carried a world on their shoulders and released it, not giving up or forgetting their past, but understanding it better than they would have otherwise.

Exercises

1. Collect memoir materials. They can be photos, physical objects like gifts or items that have memories attached to them, even emails or texts. Pick one for this exercise. You’ll write two short pieces. First, specifically write about the material you’ve chosen. Describe it, but also describe how it feels to be observing it. Is there something you notice about it now that you didn’t in the past? Maybe it was used in another place or it was handmade. If you’ve chosen an email or text message, what do you remember about the state of mind you were in when either writing or receiving that message? Go into as much detail as you feel able. Next, tell the story of the memory that your material is attached to. Give that story a beginning, middle, and end. Introduce characters, even if the only character is yourself. This story can be as long or as short as is comfortable for you. Finally, compare the two. Do they fit together, and if so, could you organize them into something cohesive? If not, why do you think that is? Try to get a sense of your writing style as a memoir writer using this method as a guide.
   

2. Write a letter to one of your memories. This letter can be to anyone, and you don’t have to send it. It can be to yourself, a friend, a family member, someone fictional, or even a sea lion from the zoo who looked at you funny. Tell your letter’s recipient why you thought of them, fleshing out your reason for writing to them. Remember that this exercise involves writing a letter to your memories, so don’t forget to include a memory in your letter. Like the above exercise, this memory should be a story from your perspective. Your perspective should include your thoughts and feelings, not just the events as they happened.